(and what I wore…)

This is Henry’s 5th birthday party!  I can’t believe that he is about to turn 7 in April.  Briefly I will discuss what I wore to H’s party then delve into motherhood and loss a bit.  I am putting the clothing in the beginning if you don’t want to stick around for the rest. ha ha (but really).  This james perse raglan sweatshirt dress is the best “i need to live my life” dress.  When your running from subway to pick up an oversized sandwich, to carrying a toddler on your hip and the other one holding on to your shin with no intention of letting go.  Do the right thing people, wear clothes that make sense for this scenario!   It’s comfy and it’s classic.  These arizona birkenstocks are another great option for top function mom shoeing. (Mom shoeing, ha ha).  This version, this version and this version are good too.  I am also wearing my karen walker super duper sunglasses.  Keep reading for thoughts on motherhood and loss…..

The hardest thing for me about being a mom is how fast the time goes by.  Everyday feels like it’s fleeting. When I look back at these pictures it feels like such a whirlwind. So much of me wants to go back to that time, but I can’t, that’s extremely difficult with child loss.  Everyday I wake up and I pray that I can have the strength to live for August and give all that I can to my family, to love them and celebrate them.  That’s really my goal, to live for Gus. He was so loving, full of life..he loved his Dad and his brothers..he was happy, curious and spirited.  The thought of carrying out his legacy by channeling those attributes is my goal and what I pray god will help me with everyday.

I remember how excited Henry was for his super hero party.  He had such a great group of kids at his preschool at the University of Utah.  Really the best teachers, it’s hard to start off that good because it really raises the mark for your expectations.  Henry’s teachers Mrs. Rachel  and Ms. Erika really loved him and just cared so much about the kids.  It’s truly incredible to me how certain people come into your life when you need them the most.

There are just too many things that happen in life, moments of peace and clarity, people and places that watch over and protect you, that this really can’t all be a coincidence. In my religion we believe that god knows you personally he knows your thoughts and your desires and he loves you, he wants to help you live your best life.  I have felt that.  Along with that comes confusion, anger and a very deep sadness (and a lot of swear words, ha).  That’s the best thing about Christ his love is unconditional, he has felt all of our pain and it’s ok.  It’s ok to experience your full range of emotions.

What I am learning is it’s about faith, grace, tradition, community and my relationship with Christ. There are things that we won’t understand and truly are a mystery in this life.  The more I am able to say, I don’t for sure (but I hope) when it comes to things like religion, or what exactly happens after we die, the more peace and clarity I personally  have. It’s ok to have questions, doubts, fears, it’s all ok. Christ is with all of us and he loves all of us no matter what we do believe and struggle to believe. He loves and wants to help everyone, you just have to ask.

Planning parties is so much fun. I never knew I would love being a Mom this much. It has brought me so much joy, it’s challenged me to my core, life is beautiful and I try to remind myself we really can’t have joy without some type of pain.  There are different levels of that for all of us but we can do it, we can wake up everyday and keep loving, trying, questioning, keep feeling all the feels life throws at us and it’s all ok.

Sometimes with everything happening in the world it can be hard to loose focus on the things that matter the most.  I love this quote by Mother Teresa “What can you do to promote world peace?  Go home and love your family.”  This is a good reminder for me. (especially with a select few family members which prove harder to love than others). ha ha.

I hope you have a great day.  Thanks for reading.

Love, Tiffany