These photos were taken a year ago in California.  I have mixed emotions when I see these.  Henry was SO happy because he had just been taken out by a wave. I was so worried, I ran after him and he hopped up and said, “THAT WAS AWESOME!”  I always love seeing my kids happy.  So that is a very happy memory from these photos.  We were visiting and not living here yet.  I had just had another miscarriage when these photos were taken.  It’s hard for me to go through my photos because they feel empty, it’s hard to have three kids and then have one missing.

For those of you who don’t know our son August died a year and a half ago. He is George’s identical twin brother and he was two and a half at the time of his death.  It has been such a challenging time. A time of enforced loss and learning.  I don’t know how much I am going to delve into this topic on my blog. It is deeply personal and very painful for me and our little family.  There hasn’t been a day that hasn’t gone by that I don’t think of Gus. Child loss is probably the worst thing that could happen to someone.

So if you have lost a child, know that it’s probably the hardest thing you will ever have to endure.  Know there is hope, you can learn with time really healthy coping skills. It’s not easy and some days are better than others.  Know that you can always reach out to me.  I have hopefully some helpful resources and insights to share.

I think one of the most helpful things my therapist taught me was to compartmentalize.  She has me schedule time that I will grieve August, in the beginning I did it an hour a day, everyday. This is the type of grieving where you start to write and cry..and really cry.  She said, “instead of pushing it down, think of getting it all out.”   She had me on different occasions write letters to August, then God.  Then after my scheduled grieving time I need to put it up on the shelf and not think about my pain until it’s time to grieve again.

This made a world of a difference for me.  For so long I was all consumed with my loss.  If I didn’t think about it for an hour I felt bad, if I did all day long I couldn’t focus and do anything well.  It was emotionally draining.  Try this, I promise you it helps.  It took me over a year of not knowing what to do, to go back to therapy and learn some of my new skills (like this one 🙂 ).

One other thing I loved is she said to check in with yourself throughout the day and ask yourself…what do I need right now? Is it a walk outside for 10 minutes, a 15 minute nap, a salad..maybe a babysitter, etc.  Make sure to be gentle on yourself and others.  It’s not easy but trust me if I am still standing you can too. Forgive yourself when you are able to not do these things and then move on.  You always have an hour later, later that day, tomorrow…you get my point.

One more thing in this process you will lose friends, this is hard. The good thing you will get to learn who will really will see things through with you.  As my therapist said most people really can’t have empathy for people who have lost a child. It’s something you hear about and want to stay away from. This part is really hard.  Also people will say really hurtful things to you or they will all together ignore you. I am being forced to learn compassion for others and myself. You can always find a support group.  That is something I personally haven’t done yet and probably should. To those of you who have done anything for me and my family, thank you.  I am full of gratitude and will never forget all the wonderful things. On that note back to fashion (oh yes do things that your good at and make you happy)…..

I have on Karen Walker super duper strength sunglasses.  Madewell overalls (similar) and a Madewell cotton v-neck pocket T.  I also have on an Apple Watch but full disclosure I returned mine.  I just didn’t love it for me, it felt excessive and just another thing I had to worry about…is my phone close by? Did I charge it last night? Was this worth how much I spent?  I did like the activity circle that was the highlight hands down but I haven’t missed it since I returned mine so personally for me I probably won’t do it ever again.  Some people love theirs and it’s their jam.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there with me on this post. I am going to try to leave my big dark scary emotions for my grieving journal.  The ones where I tell god to #$%@&* off and how could you….challenge him on why the world doesn’t feel fair and so on. One other great thing I have learned, all my emotions are ok.   If I can be of help to anyone though, I am always here.

xo, Tiffany